Making the Best of a Bad Situation-
Striving for a Positive Co-Parenting Experience
When I began practicing family law almost a decade ago, my goal was to help others through a difficult time in their lives by zealously representing their interests. As time went on, however, I realized that sometimes what my clients needed most was a reality check- a voice of reason that would point out to them that some battles were not worth pursuing. The sad truth is that litigation is expensive, and sometimes fighting over principle bears a price tag that is just too great. Litigation also lessens the possibility of preserving any goodwill between the parties, something that is actually quite precious when you still have to co-parent with your ex-spouse after the divorce.
A few years ago, I went through my own divorce. As painful as that experience was, I know that I was quite fortunate compared to most. My ex-husband and I settled our issues quickly and amicably, and over time we have managed to rebuild our friendship. We share custody of our child, who is now 4, and by all accounts seems happy, healthy and well-adjusted. Many of my friends and colleagues have asked me how I have accomplished this, and I wish to share my story with a larger audience in an attempt to encourage other separating or divorced couples to work together for the sake of their children to make the best of a bad situation.
The first thing I had to remind myself was that people's roles change in a divorce. So, for example, even though I was the primary caregiver during my marriage, that did not mean it should remain my role going forward, especially if his father was interested in sharing custody. I also had to accept that there would have to be nights where I would no longer be able to kiss my child goodnight. In order for him to develop a strong relationship with his father, he would have to learn that his father was just as capable as me of feeding him, bathing him and putting him to sleep. So, rather than focusing on the loss of not having my child 40% of the time, I trained myself to see the benefits of having some time to myself. Overtime, I have come to enjoy my nights or weekends "off," which enable me to visit friends, pursue other interests, and even go on some dates.
When we first separated, my ex-husband and I tried to minimize contact with one another while we learned to detach. During this time, I think we both really worked on getting past our anger, a normal part of the grieving process. I grieved the loss of many things, including our intact family, our home together, our love, and our dreams together. The sad reality that this was no longer going to be my life, and the scary proposition of moving forward alone, were incredibly difficult truths to accept. Ultimately, however, I had to acknowledge that staying in a bad or unhappy situation was no longer a viable option. The pivotal decision to be made then was whether I was going to remain stuck, dwelling in the past, or was I going to move forward and try to make the best of what was yet to come.
A few months after my separation, as my ex-husband and I became more established in our separate households and separate lives, we started to talk more, primarily about our child. Our first big test was organizing his 2 nd birthday together. Then the holidays came, and we exchanged cards and gifts. We always kept in mind that the goal was to do what was best for our child by minimizing conflict around him, fostering his relationship with both parents and our extended families, and maintaining as much stability and continuity in his daily routine as possible.
A year after the divorce, as everything began to normalize, I decided to invite my ex-husband and his parents to my home for brunch on Christmas Eve. It was not something I was obligated to do, it was just something I wanted to do because I knew my child would enjoy time with his grandparents, who he does not get to see often. We all had a very nice time together, exchanged gifts, and best of all we got to see the utter joy in my son's face as he saw himself surrounded by all his loved ones together.
We have since spent Easter together, even though we are not obligated to do so, and we exchange gifts on our birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Easter and Christmas. For my son's 4 th birthday, we took him on a weekend trip to Dutch Wonderland. Now granted, to some people this might seem totally bizarre. In fact, I had a colleague ask me whether I was concerned about sending "the wrong message" to my child by creating false expectations that his parents might get back together. I guess if my child ever raises that issue, I will have to address that with him, but honestly I am more concerned with the impact it would have on his life if his parents did not get along, could not make joint decisions together, and were incapable of treating each other with respect and kindness. Sadly, in my work I see how disruptive, traumatic or destabilizing it can be for children when their parents cannot work cooperatively, and I refuse to do that to my child.
I realize that not everyone is going to be capable or willing to re-connect with their ex-spouse as I have done. But, my goal in sharing this experience is simply to point out an alternate possibility for divorced parents, and more importantly for their children. Just because a marriage ends does not mean that some semblance of a family cannot be salvaged for a child's sake. I want to encourage separated parents and divorced couples to think beyond the norms recommended by our legal system, which is mainly intended to dictate relationships when all else fails. We as individuals have the power to choose the relationships we are in, and our lives are defined by the choices we make. As a parent, I have chosen to ignore certain legal "norms" in order to minimize the loss to my child of his once intact family, and I truly hope others will be inspired to do the same for their children.
-Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
The writer is a N. Bethesda resident, who practices family law and mediation in MD and DC. Her email address is rad@rdemeolaw.com
